I know the Lowe’s lady was doing her job. But she wasn’t helping ME out! My wife and I have been talking for a while about Thanksgiving and what to cook. Well, I don’t really have a great track record of consistency. You see, I started out learning how to Deep Fry a turkey. I’d like to say I got pretty good at it. In a very small group of people I was slightly worshipped for my famous but not so famous Deep Fried Curry Turkey. Yes, you read that right, Curry.
Each year I’d tweak the recipe because I like to push the limits on things and I want to see how far I can go and where the boundaries are. That is just my nature. I like to tinker and experiment.
So one year the turkey would be THE BOMB!. The next year it might be, “eh, ok…but not as good as that ONE turkey,” type of responses.
Where I really messed up is I bought an electric deep fryer. The darn thing didn’t get hot enough. There is a certain level of heat you must get your oil and It wouldn’t get there once you put the turkey in. (Gosh darn it!) So my wife and my oldest, 13 year old daughter, like to remind me that sometimes I don’t have the best ideas. I guess it didn’t help that the electric deep fryer stayed behind our front door for almost a year….gathering dust.
With all of that information you can see I started the battle of buying an “ELECTRIC SMOKER” by going up hill, while it was snowing and without shoes. I was not in a good place to negotiate with The Queen and her Advisor. (My 13 year old daughter.)
But, to my happy surprise, I got a text from my wife who was at Sam’s Club and said, “Hey, you want this brisket? It’s 16.5 lbs and is around $60.” I was like, “Sure, you betcha and I’m so glad I married you.”
We buy the brisket. We are committed to buy a Smoker, right? WRONG, you are so wrong. I…no, I was so, so wrong. My wife and I made a time to go to Lowe’s (because I get my military discount there) and buy a smoker. And when we arrived we met…..HER. The lady from Lowe’s. Let’s call her name “Lucy” which in my mind is short for “LUCIFER!”
Ok, back to Lucy. We meet Lucy in the smoker and accessories section of Lowe’s. She can see we were looking at smokers and to be honest I wasn’t really impressed with their options. I’m looking at these smokers and thinking to myself, “Self, would you feel comfortable talking to a bunch of middle aged men, with tattoos, big arms and beards about this smoker?” I had to be honest with myself, I don’t think I could look them in the eye. And if you can’t look up a bearded BBQ’er in the eye then what are you even doing with your life?
Lucy could see I wasn’t feeling right about the selection and she said, to my joy and surprise, “Hey, you know, when the big burly guys come in looking for a smoker they are mostly looking for our smokers in the lawn and garden section, c’mon.” At the time I was thinking, “Lucy, I’d follow you to the ends of the earth. Thank you for showing me what big bbq bearded men buy. I want to be one, one day.”
I hasten my step to follow Lucy outside to see The Pit Boss Pro Series 4 Electric Vertical Wood Pellet Smoker. My eyes and mouth begin to water. This, now THIS is a smoker.
Lucy tried to show me charcoal smokers and baby smokers out there but I had my eye on The Pit Boss.
That’s when things started to go south. Lucy decided she wanted to lose the sale. She decided to try to be HELPFUL in her evil heart. She asked such ridiculous questions like:
“Have you ever smoked anything before?”
“Do you know if you’ll like it?”
“My husband smokes meat but the smoker stays outside gathering dust mostly all year. Are you sure you don’t want to try a smaller one?”
No Lucy I don’t, thank you very much. Then she asked the question that got my wife off track, “Do you have a grill?”
“Yes we do,” says my wife Jo.
“Well,” Lucy grinned as she responded with a heart made of coal, (that you probably couldn’t even smoke on if you tried. Just sayin’) “there is an alternative you can try and you can try it on your grill.”
My wife looks at me like I’ve kept the fountain of youth from her. Like why didn’t I tell her? That is not how they cook on YouTube Madam!
So I saunter back over to the insignificant smoker section. Lucy begins to tell us that I could just buy this little metal box, put wood chips in it and use my freakin’ grill to smoke the 16.5 lbs brisket.
The look of horror that I gave could have scared a small puppy. Why? Why even make a smoker if you could just do that?
To spare you the details, I listened to my wife, after I threw a tantrum of course, and bought the stupid metal box, wood chips, the stupid propane measurer thingy and a weber bluetooth thermometer.
I went home angry.
I started the brisket at 10pm that night. It was a Friday. We had friends coming over the next day at around 4 and we were planning on eating at 6pm. 18 hours I had to smoke that thing.
I get the meat prepped and ready to rock and roll. I put the meat on the stupid grill, after I heated it all up and put the “alleged” smoker box (THAT DIDN’T PRODUCE ANY SMOKE!) on the grill too.
The next thing that happened? I’m up like an idiot until 12pm freaking out about the $60 piece of meat outside. I check that thing probably every 10 minutes until midnight. I finally am able to adjust the inside temperature of the grill to around 225 degrees. (for you non smokers that is the temperature where you cook meat “low and slow”) I decide I should go to sleep.
To my dismay, my bluetooth reaches to the right side of my bed to connect to my phone but doesn’t reach to the left, WHERE I SLEEP. So I guess I “kind of sleep” because I’m still wondering:
“Is there enough propane?”
“Will a bear eat my brisket?”
“Will the raccoon I saw that scared the crap out of me at midnight come back and mess with my brisket?”
“Are all animals out to get me?”
“What’s that noise? Is there a fire?”
All of these questions go in my mind….as I try to sleep. So I did sleep. For like 4 hours mind you. Of totally interrupted sleep. I’m up at 4 am checking the stupid meat.
My wife Jo is up early anyways and I’m like, “Babe, there is no smoke. I could just throw the darn thing in the oven. Lucy lied to us! She’s a betrayer! She’s trying to ruin my life!” Jo looked at me like I sometimes look at my kids when they throw a fit.
We had an adult conversation where I over promised and will probably under deliver when it’s time to pay up and we agreed I should buy the SMOKER! Booyah!
I get dressed lickity-split and race down stairs as I yell, “Who wants to go to Lowe’s with me?” Out of 4 kids only my youngest daughter decides to go.
I walk into Lowe’s proud and confident. I meet a Lowe’s employee, one that looked like he knew how to smoke things. I relay the story to him. He’s like, “Oh yeah man. I could never get those metal boxes to smoke either. The Pit Boss is the way to go for sure.”
I buy it. And I buy my daughter and me donuts.
I get home and put the thing together and transfer the brisket over right when the propane ran out of gas. Only 8 more hours to go to finish off the meat.
How’d my first brisket turn out? On a scale of 1 to 10 I’d give it a 7.5 maybe an 8. Everyone liked it. Flavor was good. My seasoning was only salt and pepper. I could have trimmed the fat a little more and there really wasn’t a good smoke ring. Due to the dumb metal box that doesn’t work.
It fed like 35ish people. (counting kids)
I’m excited to try something different than Turkey this year. Maybe even a curry brisket? Dunno, but I can’t wait to test it out.
Here you go. Insert segue here. As you can tell from this story, I have to test. But because I test so much, I feel very confident in my decision once I make it because I usually explore all or most options. I’ve done that professionally. I do offer a lot of cleaning services but they have all been received through formal training. (In other words, I wasn’t trained by my brother-in-law.)
If you need a cleaning, give me a shout out. I’m doing a lot of the office work and cleaning myself lately. I just feel more comfortable that way. My OCD kicks in and I can control things better. With that being said, feel free to reach out and keep on me. I am usually pretty good about getting back to folks but if not reach out again. I’m here, just busy busy.
I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and hope to see you soon.
“Your Nerds In The Cleaning Business”